Vulnerability

The word vulnerability. It's not a word I use in my everyday vocabulary, but it is one that continually makes its way to the front of my mind.

I have a confession to make. I don't know what I'm doing. I have absolutely no idea. But I'm extraordinarily skilled in the art of putting up a front. I like to pretend I have things together and am carefree. But I am falling apart at the seams quite honestly. I stumble through life, hoping I make a couple good decisions in the midst of all the bad ones, and pretty frequently disappoint myself.

If someone asks me how I'm doing, or what's been going on in my life, I'll tell them. Definitely.  I'm a pretty honest person. But there is a difference between honesty and vulnerability.

That's the discrepancy that most people ignore. I can be honest with you without letting my guard down. I've mastered that in fact. True vulnerability is really, really tough. It's something I think is incredibly important, but I can't seem to get a firm grasp on it. And it really causes me a lot of problems. My friendships are shallower than I'd like them to be, my music is less real, my conversations hold less value, and my insides are more cluttered and dark and heavy than I think I'm really capable of handling.

My last blog post was a challenge to the reader and myself regarding faith. This one is also a challenge. One regarding vulnerability. If you look up the definition of vulnerability, it seems negative. It means "susceptibility to attack or injury; the state or condition of being weak or poorly defended". However, when it comes to people, I think that might be just the thing we need. We are all such a mess, how can we judge our neighbors for their imperfections? Perhaps if we allow ourselves to be weak, or susceptible to injury, our relationships will be strengthened, and our friends and family can help us and understand us better. Perhaps if we gain strength in our relationships with people, we will also gain strength in our relationship with God.

Vulnerability. It's the condition of being weak. However, I think that my lack of vulnerability might just be my greatest weakness.

Faith

Faith. It's a funny thing.

Christians have a really hard time having faith in God.

Wait. What? That's what being a Christian is, though. Isn't it?
Sure, but think about it. Sometimes as a Christian, it is crazy hard to put all your trust in God and rely on Him. To let go of control and say, "I know you can do it, God." It's also hard to believe in Christ's miraculous power, even when we see it at work. We'd rather write it off with a logical explanation (typical human response) than have faith in God's abilities, even though He does some awesome stuff all the time. God is outrageous.

This is what makes it hard for non-believers to accept Christ's love and turn to Him, and what makes it hard for believers to evangelize. Faith is way too difficult. It's much easier to turn to science, the media, and ourselves. These things are much more accessible and allow you to rationalize things. Non-believers can just say, "I don't need your crazy God. I have logic and clear-cut answers already." There's only so much you can argue to someone who is wholeheartedly against having faith in something and will never accept the inexplicable.

This is heartbreaking for evangelists. We say, "Why can't they just believe?!" We love on them and pray, but inside we shout our frustration, wishing they'd just open up to Christ. Wishing they could know Him.

Let us look at Christians, though. We always accept God's plan for us. We never get upset when our prayers aren't answered exactly the way we want and immediately. We never feel begrudged in our Christianity, and never have any frustrations or doubts. Because Christians hold everything God says to be true, we always love our neighbors, obey our parents, tell the truth, pray without ceasing, and give thanks. We always show Christ-like love. And we never look at extraordinary events as coincidences or the result of our own actions. We put all our trust into the Lord no matter what, and never subconsciously doubt His omnipotence.
FALSE.

The Bible says, "There is none righteous, no, not one". We are imperfect. We are human. And as humans, we struggle with our faith all the time. We say we have faith, but when God doesn't do things the way we want Him to (as though we know what we're doing - ha), we get frustrated with Him. We think He's making a mistake. We can't understand why He's doing what He's doing. And when God says, "Here's something astounding. I am God and I am all-powerful, so I can do this. And I think I will," we always try to make sense of it. We try to make it out to be something other than God. Not because we don't believe in God. Just because we're stupid and have trouble letting go of control.

It's a big problem. We are to fully rely on God, but we have a heck of a time doing that. I can speak for myself on this one. I always try to do it all by myself. I say, "Yes, Lord. I have faith in You. I pray your will be done. You have all the control. You're the best." And then I try and take care of things as soon as I unfold my hands and open my eyes. I can't really tell you why we humans do that. We do, though. And it's not okay.

I challenge you, and I challenge me, to make a real effort to let go. Faith is tough, but we as Christians profess our faith all the time and it's important we actually have it. How can we expect non-Christians to turn to Jesus when we can't even believe in Him?