Greater Things Have Still to be Done.

I have been thinking a lot. Overthinking, probably. But I don't regret it. Sometimes good things come from overanalyzing.

I realize why I'm so...overwhelmed, so unfulfilled, so unsatisfied. I realize why I consistently feel a tugging from some unknown place and can't figure out how to simply let it lead me.

It sort of feels ridiculous and cliche when I talk about this. It's true, though. When I look ahead at my future, I am completely unable to see a 9-5 office job. I cannot see a comfortable suburban home with an even more comfortable income. I cannot see what everyone else seems to consider the "American Dream". Because I don't want it. Sure, I want a family someday. And when I have a family, of course I'll want to give my children a good life and a good home, food on the table, shoes on their feet. But stereotypical suburbia - I don't want that at all.

Suburbia isn't a bad place. It's just so hollow. It's so plastic. I have a comfy little brick ranch right in the midst of it right now. I went to a highschool that looked more like an airport and was all about success. I have younger sisters that play softball and basketball and soccer. I have a little dog, and an average-sized back yard, and neighbors who make big money. And I graduated with the state champion basketball team. Living the dream. And yet...I don't miss it. Aside from my family and a couple really close friends, I don't miss it at all. And why?

It's because I believe that this world can be changed. Maybe not the whole thing, and maybe not even very much of it, but I believe that greater things have still to be done.

People are selfish. That sounds harsh, but just take a moment to think about it. Why do we go through 13 years of school? So WE can be prepared for college. Why do we go to college? So WE  can be prepared for the "real world" and have a successful career. Why do we go to work? So WE can make money and have a good life. It is always selfish. And that's the norm. Doesn't anyone else see a problem with that? Why is self-centeredness considered typical? I don't miss suburbia, because the suburbanites don't care about anyone but suburbanites. Little league games are more important than soup kitchens. Dance recitals are more important than foster homes. Youth groups are more important than missions. And a steady income is more important than giving back.

I talked to a friend the other day and asked him what he had been up to lately. I haven't talked to him in awhile, so it was a valid question. His response was very matter-of-fact. He said he and some friends had planned on going to England, but one friend decided he really wanted to return to Skid Row in L.A. and do some more missions there, so they'd all be going sometime in November. He told me this as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If I were to have reciprocated with what I'd  been up to lately, the answer would have had something to do with school, friends, family, music, and looking for a job. All fine things, but all so selfish.

This is why I think I am so unfulfilled all the time. I'm trying to be content with the mundane. I'm trying to force myself into satisfaction with the ordinary. I sit and do some homework, listen to some music, do some laundry, watch a movie with some friends. And I don't feel productive at all. I want more.

And I believe that we have the capability to do more. I believe that if we just stop being content with conceited routine, we can make something happen. Something great. Something bigger than ourselves.

So right now, I pray we never be satisfied with selfishness. I pray we never be at ease with simply going through the motions. I pray we do something more. I pray for revolution.